Its been a long time...

It has been so long since my last post. Here's the update. WE ARE WAITING! There is actually more of an update but I don't want this post to be too long so I'm going to be posting multiple posts in the next few days. But, right now, let's talk about the waiting.

We have waited 9 months and 4 weeks. That is just since our dossier made it to Rwanda. We started back in February 2010 so that makes it 17 months of waiting. We decided to adopt 20 months ago. We tried for our own children for an additional 3 years. Grand total of desperately wanting a family...approximately 4 years and 8 months!!

When we decided to adopt we knew we would have to make some sacrifices. You know save up money and not spend like we used to. No vacations. That is a tough one for us. We are vacation people. It is really hard for us to drop the stress of everyday life if we can't get away. We haven't had a vacation in almost 2 years. Yeah, we have went away for a Friday/long weekend thing but only 2. Two in two years!! Let me just say the stress is piling up.

We have started fighting more and more over little stuff. A few weeks ago we fought over how to tie up my cucumber plant for over an hour. Once the dust settles we realize that it is just our frustration with this situation and not over the cucumber plant.

I want to start this part by saying I am not complaining that I am a housewife. About 3 years ago, I quit my job to relieve some stress and hopefully that would help us get pregnant. I planned on being pregnant within 6 months of being home. Now 3 years later, still no kids, I will admit it is hard getting out of bed some days. My mind says, "what does it matter if you get out of bed. No one else is here. No one else cares. There is no one to take care of and no need to get ready to take care of anyone because who knows if you ever will." It is not easy waiting and being at home alone most days.

Now, I know we signed up for this wait when we started to adopt. True! We didn't sign up to be left in the dark though. There is very little to no information coming out of Rwanda. Rumors abound and you never know what is true or not. One day we are being told to expect approval by the end of whatever month we are in and then it could be 2 months before anything happens. I don't believe and can't believe that this is the normal adoption process. Other governments go in order and even if it is a long wait, you know where you are in line. They will get to you eventually.

So that is where we are. Waiting for something. We are trying our best to cling to God but there are days when I shake my fist at Him. Home life is stressed to the max! So, that's where I'm ending the first part of this multi-part post. There is much more coming, but I wanted to catch you up with the backstory for what is to come.

Just a quick note...

A lot of people have been asking if we have heard anything. Well, yes and no. There has been movement and some children have come home. Our number just hasn't come up yet. I keep trying to predict when it will happen and I keep getting it wrong. So, now I'm just saying, I hope she will be home this year.

Just keep praying for us and I will shout it from the rooftops when I hear anything.

Something's been weighing on me...

I read this article the other day and I can't stop thinking about it. It was written by another adoptive mom. She is writing about what she would like for you to know about adoption and assumptions about adoption. While I agree with some of the things she said, I get an overall aggressive or angry tone from the article. If that is how she feels then I can't change that but it is not how I feel at all. Why has this been weighing on me? I don't want anyone to ever read anything like this and then feel as if they can't talk to us about our infertility, adoption, or our daughter. With that said, I'm going to give my thoughts on a few subjects she brought up.

First of all, when we went down the path of international, inter-racial adoption we opened ourselves up to all kinds of assumptions and opinions from everyone. Whether or not these are good or bad, whether they should express them to us or not, is not under our control. This is just what people do and there are idiots everywhere!! Opinions and assumptions are everywhere!! We will not escape them. Yes, at times they will make us frustrated and angry but people's assumptions and opinions make me frustrated and angry about many other topics than adoption. It's just a part of life.

When people look at our family and see Paul, Clarissa, and me, they will know we adopted. They will know she is our "adopted daughter". There will be no hiding it. Does that make her any less our "daughter"? NO! She will always know that she was adopted. There is no way or reason to keep this from her. Will she know we love her with all of our hearts, no matter if she is adopted or not? I SURE HOPE SO! If you are interested in adopting and you see us, should you ask us about adoption? OF COURSE!! We would be happy to talk about it. Why? BECAUSE GOD HAS DONE SO MUCH FOR US THROUGH THIS ADOPTION. WE WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Now, when people see us out and assume we adopted and they see no other biological children, they are going to assume that we had fertility problems. As much as we wish that wasn't true, they would be right. Was adoption plan A for us? NO! Was it plan A for God? YES!! When we decided to start our family, we didn't ask God for his opinions or thoughts. We just did what most everyone does and tried to have our own. It didn't work. I was angry at God. I didn't talk to God (other than to yell at Him). But here is the thing...He knew what He wanted us to do all along. He used this hardship to bring us closer together as a couple and to bring us both closer to Him. If we don't talk about our infertility, then I feel like we are hiding glorious things that God did for us. I don't ever want to be a person not willing to share God with others.

One last thing. Adoption is different from the norm. I understand that. Women who have not gone through adoption don't understand. Its OK. I don't understand ALOT of things that I have not experienced first hand. I understand that a group of moms could think the questions that they normally ask a new mom won't apply to me, and leave me out of the conversation. I get it. But ask me. I'll tell you about how you can compare the paperwork to the trying to get pregnant stage. I'll tell you about the waiting and how it made me feel excited, scared, and impatient. About how I wondered if I would ever be a good mom. How I couldn't wait to see her face. Just like you couldn't wait for the ultrasound. I'll tell you my dreams of what we will do as a family. What things I can't wait to teach her and show her. I don't believe any of those feelings are different than someone who is pregnant.

When I read the article, I really felt like I wanted to put something out there for my friends and family. Something that says we are open to talking about anything you want to talk about. Really, its not our story. Its God's story of how He made our marriage stronger and then built our family. I am so excited about what God has done for us that I can't wait for you to ask.

Exciting Times!!

WOW!! So much has been happening. TWO people from AGCI have heard from Rwanda! Things have been moving and lots of approvals have been going out. This make me so hopeful that we'll have our approval soon. That doesn't mean our referral but approval is a big step.

There is some talk going around that we may either have to make 2 trips or stick it out for a month in Rwanda. That is going to be a strain but I guess we will do what ever it takes to bring Clarissa home.

Keep praying for us! Not sure what is in store for us but I can't wait to see what is around the bend.

Such a great weekend!!

I'm home from the retreat. Part of me is happy to be home, the other part wanted to stay there much longer.

I went this retreat so afraid of how it would turn out. How would the other moms be? Will I get along with my roommates or will they just think I'm crazy?

This weekend could not have turned out any better!! The ladies I rode down with were wonderful...my roommates were perfect! I met so many wonderful new ladies. On top of all of this, I met up with God again. He was there in all the worship times, He spoke through all the speakers, and He reminded me once again that He loves me so much!!

There is so much to tell you about but I'm still processing it all. I can't wait to sit down with the cd. Thank goodness they gave us recordings of everything so we can return to it and soak it all in again.

What will He make me?

I was working on one of my Bible studies today. This particular one is about John and it is a Beth Moore study. I have just started it and in the homework we are learning about when Jesus called John to be His disciple.

"'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men'" Mark 1:17

Beth goes on to say..."I am convinced that one part of that sentence applies to every person Jesus Christ calls: "Come, follow me, and I will make you..."

Jesus calls to me. He says, "Come, follow me, learn about me, rely on me, love me, talk to me, think about me, and I will make you..."

Doesn't that just open up so many possibilities. When I first stopped and thought about it, I said "OK, I want you to make me this... a good mother, someone who knows what to say, a better wife, more compassionate, less afraid to talk about you, make me someone that people would want to look upon, and while we are at it...why don't you make me prettier, smarter, funnier, you know, all that appealing stuff. Yeah, this all sounds good to me.

There it is again. If you read that last paragraph over, you see "me" all over it. I might as well have said me, me, me, me, me, me, and more me. Basically, my earlier statements say... "Make ME better and then I can do everything for you.

What am I thinking?!?!? Why would I want anything to do with me?!? I am so imperfect. I say all the wrong things. I do all the wrong things.

So, after my first reaction, here is my prayer:

"Come, follow me, Jesus said, "and I will make you...."

"I will follow, Lord. Please make me less of me and more of YOU!!"

Who are you again?!?

Hello again! Miss me? :)

Well, you know how it is with the holidays. Nothing gets done. I also stopped reading blogs for a while. I found it easier to wait if I wasn't constantly searching for information. I have slowly been making my way back and it is easier now than before not to get sucked in to reading everything and having to know everything. Those days to happen, though, don't get me wrong. Some days I think if I find the right forum or blog, I'll know everything I need to know.

First, there is movement in the adoption. Every few days I hear of approvals and that is wonderful. Still a good ways away from us but every one approved is one closer. That's about all the news. Since we are so far down the list, any news we hear doesn't really make a huge difference or change to our wait.

Christmas was wonderful!! This year Paul and I exchanged gifts. We haven't done that in a few years. It was great!! We probably went a little overboard but next year all of our money will be going to Clarissa. :-) Even though Clarissa couldn't be here this Christmas, she still got gifts.



My mother-in-law got her the Piglet rattle, my mom got her the hair bows, and my sister got her the piggy bank, complete with change (from my nephews most likely).

We rang in the new year with some good friends. Played a few board games and listened to Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block (I don't think they are so "new" any more) on Dick Clark's Rockin New Year's Eve.

Now back to regular life. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on. I'm doing two new bible studies. One on John and one on Paul. I'm trying to get better housecleaning habits so that life will not be so hard once Clarissa makes it home. And I'm just waiting. Without even being here, Clarissa is the center point of our lives. Everyday is lived around the waiting and preparing. I'm seeing God alot in this time. I'm seeing Him calm me more than ever before. I'm OK with the waiting as long as I am certain God is here with me waiting.