So here it is....

So here it is....the blog post I never wanted to post after the facebook status I never wanted to post.

As most of you know by now, our adoption in Rwanda has been closed.  Why?  Hmm, that is an interesting question.  Depending on my mood, I could give many different answers.  Answers like "they are going Hague and can't process us right now" or "well, they sent us a 6 month regret letter and our 6 months are up" seem so hollow and don't seem to really encompass the truth.  We don't even really know the whole truth in this.  Bottom line...its over. 

How do we feel?  That depends on what hour of the day you catch me.  Angry!  Angry at Rwanda because I never feel like we got the truth from them.  Angry that I tried to be sensitive to the fact that things run differently in their country but that I don't feel I got the same consideration from them.  Angry that when all is said and done there will be lots of children that will never see the family that has loved them and waited for them for so long.  Angry because there is nothing I can do about it.

Sad!  We are mourning the loss of the daughter we never got to see.  Sad because we thought we were starting our family but now that family, even though it only lived in our minds, is gone.  Sad that one little girl, our little girl, will never see the room we made just for her.  The room that I hoped would make her feel like a princess.  Sad that I can move on and start another adoption but those children are still there and may never find their forever family.

Relieved!  Our life has been on hold ever since we started this process over 2 years ago.  It is a relief not to be stuck in that black hole anymore.  With no movement and no reliable information, we felt as if we were in a black hole being sucked down into nothingness.  Now, we can move forward to something else.  Relief that we can plan what we want to do this year and not be at Rwanda's mercy.

Overwhelmed!  Two years of our life has been focused on what we thought was the right plan for our family.  Now, we start again.  More research, more praying, more paperwork and more waiting.

God is good to us.  Even if He never gives us children, He is still good to us.  We keep trying to remind ourselves of this.  I know He wants the best for me and apparently Rwanda was not the best for me/us.  We will trust Him.  We will follow Him whereever that may take us. 

Does this mean we won't slide back in to our selfish ways of feeling sorry for ourselves?  No, we are human after all.  That is why we need your prayers so that through it all we will feel God's peace and love for us.  Thank you so much for your prayers and for the outpouring of support and kinds words.  You will never know how much they mean to us.

Anyone else hear the echo?

It has been quiet on the adoption front.  No new news.  Our expiration date has come and gone.  Our dossier is still open, but with the way this adoption has been going,  that could change at any time.

For the longest time my mind was consumed with this adoption, I couldn't think of anything else.  I almost backed out of going to the January Created for Care retreat.  I didn't think putting myself in a hotel all weekend with tons of mothers who had already brought their children home and going to breakout sessions about parenting would be the best place for me.  The week or two before the retreat my church started a new bible study.  Well, it is an old bible study but new to me.  We started Experiencing God.  I was determined to focus on this study and God more than this adoption.  This was my prayer.  I knew I could no longer let this consume me.  God heard me and showed Himself to me in a way that I'm still really in awe of Him.  I was able to focus on my study and I didn't look at everything through the lens of this adoption.  I was able to look at my relationship with God.  It wasn't pretty.  My relationship had turned into something that was based on me constantly complaining and asking God to fix, speed up, or whatever He could to this adoption.

I went to the Created for Care and during the worship sessions and God showed Himself again and it was no longer about adoption it was about me and God.  I just worshiped and found more peace.  So many people that I only know through the blog world or from last year's retreat came up and asked how it was going and told me they had been thinking of me and praying for me.  You guys don't know how much that meant to me.  It was such an encouragement.

Our expiration date came and went.  I knew I was going to freak out.  I had thought about how the day would go.  When it arrived, I knew what day it was all day but I did not freak out.  I didn't not get depressed.  I went on with my day.  That could only be peace from God because, if you know me, you know I freak out all the time.

I feel like over the last few weeks, I have come to this place of rest.  I like it!  It is peaceful and quiet and it could not have come at a better time.  I'm sure there is a long wait ahead.

Hello New Year!

This is the year!  This is the year that I finally become a mom!  Not a waiting mom, not an expecting mom, but a REAL mom with a child!  Surely...hopefully...maybe.  If the paperwork is like making the baby and the wait is like carrying the baby, then I am 6 1/2 months overdue.  I tell Paul sometimes, "I don't know how much longer I can wait."  His response is reasonable, "what else are you going to do?"  The other day I brought up these conversations and told him "I think I'm really just going to explode.  I mean really.  You are going to come home one day and I'm not going to be there because I exploded."

I hate to even make a prediction that we will bring her home this year.  Every time we have said when we thought it might work out, we were so very wrong.  I'm starting to feel like its a lot like Jesus' Second Coming.  No one knows the day or time just the Father and He will come like a thief in the night.  So, you know he isn't going to tell some crackpot in a foil hat the day.  I don't think He told some indians in Mexico, either.  I feel like our adoption is the same way.  He knows what He is doing and the more I try to predict it, I'll just keep being wrong.  But, surely...hopefully...maybe...this year.

I don't know how to explain the longing.  It does threaten to tear me apart all the time.  I have decided though that this since it is a new year and I can't imagine making it to the end of this year without Clarissa, that I am going to channel this longing into something else.

What else?  Well, the nursery has become a storage room again.  I have to get that cleaned out.  There are several rooms in my house that need a new coat of paint.  I can't paint with a baby so I need to get that done before she gets here.  I have all kinds of plans for this new year!!  The hard part is the follow through. 

We had a wonderful Christmas!!  We spent time with family, ate too much, and got some great gifts.  Now I'm looking forward to January where I'll be taking a weekend to go out of town with my mom and sister.  This is a Christmas tradition for us.  We get money for Christmas and then take a weekend-long shopping trip.  It is always so much fun.  A couple of weeks after that I'll be headed to the Created For Care retreat.  I'm also very excited about that. 

I hope everyone of you had a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!!  I look forward to sharing some good news this coming year.

More work to do...

This last month was so busy with Christmas play practice.  It went great, by the way.  We did "Best Christmas Pageant Ever".  I played Imogene Herdman and Paul was Ralph Herdman.  It was a lot of fun!  Thanksgiving came and went.  We ate too much turkey (even the dog ate too much).  Now to plan for Christmas and to eventually get the tree up.

This was after Thanksgiving dinner...

AGCI called us today.  Good news:  We get to do more paperwork! YAY! (Boo!)  We have to update our criminal checks, fingerprints, and homestudy.  Doesn't it sound like fun?  What's going on in Rwanda, you ask?  Well they are still placing children and children are still coming in to the Home of Hope.  You know how when your sink leaks and you keep messing with the faucet to make it stop?  And how when you think the dripping has stopped but you see one drip forming?   You keep watching that one drop and it keeps getting bigger and bigger til it finally drops.  So, you know your sink is still leaking but it feels like forever between drops.  That is apparently how fast they are placing children. (At least, that is the way it feels to me)  Anyway, the 6 month regret letters that everyone received with their approval (your file is closed if you aren't matched in 6 months), doesn't seem to be a threat anymore.  I'm really not worried about it too much but it was something the government put in writing so they can enforce it at any time.

So, more waiting and more paperwork.  Good times, good times.  Please keep praying for us.  The wait is very hard!

The plan is too put the Christmas tree up tonight.  I'll try to post some pictures of it soon.

We partied hard!!

Last night was my shoe cutting party benefiting Sole Hope  (www.solehope.org).  We had a lot of fun!  What's a shoe cutting party, you ask?  Well, you can read my first post about it here or I'll summarize it for you. 

What we did was take patterns for two different sizes of shoe and cut out those patterns.  Those patterns along with $10 will be sent via Sole Hope to Uganda and Zambia where widows and widowers will receive a fair wage to make the shoes.  Sole Hope will then distribute the shoes to needy children.  I encourage you to go check out their website and their online store, if you want to know more or help out.

Last night we ate lots of food, watched the video about what we are doing and why, and then we got down to business.  Here is a few pictures of our fun!!

Tracing the patterns onto the material....

More tracing....

Cutting, cutting, and more cutting....

It was supposed to be a girl's night but when we saw how much cutting there was left, we roped my hubby into cutting....

We traced and cut for about 4 hours last night and left the last little bit for this morning.  We got the whole family involved in organizing the bags....

And the finished product....

Feet that might have looked like this....

....will have shoes!!

PLEASE consider having your own shoe cutting party!!

Have a good weekend!!!  :)

One project done...

I have so many projects around the house that I want to get done.  I finally got one of them done today.  You may not be able to see much of a difference but I can and I'm very proud of myself.  What project is it?  Well, I finally tackled the cord mess behind our TV.  We had a working XBox, a broken XBox, a Playstation we don't use anymore, and tons of cords not connected to anything.  After almost 10 years, cords can get a little messy.  I got it more organized and got all the cords back in the right place.  All by myself!!

Behind the TV: Before

Behind the TV: After

The side of the TV: Before

The side of the TV: After

Then when all was said and done, I let my Roomba clean up the mess.  :)

Whatcha readin'?

Here is my first attempt to liven up this blog.  I love to read.  I always have severals books going at once.  So, I figured on this cold, rainy Wednesday, a day perfect for reading, I'd let you in on what I'm reading.  Call it a "Whatcha Readin' Wednesday".  Of course this won't happen every Wednesday, I'm not that fast a reader.

None of these books actually go together either so you will get a glimpse at how random and weird I am.

First, my actual book.  I have a Nook (and I love it) but the book I'm reading is an actual book not an eletronic one.  Found this at a used book store for cheaper than I could get it on my Nook.

I have found that I love history and I love biographies!  John Adams is very interesting and even though I'm just halfway through this, I love talking about it.  So, warning, don't get me started or I might just talk your ear off.

Some nights I have a hard time getting my brain to stop working, so I keep a good audiobook on my ipod.  I like to be read to sleep at night, I guess.  Also, I'm not a huge music person so a good audiobook in the car makes me happy.  This is what I am listening to right now.

Its the 4th and last in a series of sci-fi, military fiction.  If the print is too small for you to see, the authors are David Weber and John Ringo.  This is probably the 3rd time I have listened to this series.

 

Now I think everyone, except for my mom, reads while in the bathroom.  :)  This is what is in mine right now.

Martha Stewart!  I flip through this magazine and look at all the crafty decor I either can't figure out how to make work in my house or that I can't afford to put in my house.

 

And just to make sure I'm well rounded, I'm working on these bible studies.

The beth Moore study, To Live Is Christ, I did a few months ago with my mom's church.  I didn't do my homework (shame on me), so now I'm going back and trying to finish it.  Its all about Paul and very good.

Living Your  Life as a Beautiful Offering is based on the sermon on the mount and is the current study I'm doing with a group of ladies at my church.  We are just at the beginning of this one but it has been very good so far.

This is what my dog does while I'm reading.

While I've got my feet propped up in the recliner, he uses my legs as his bed. :)

 

Just a couple more, stick with me...

This is the magazine that looks up at me while I'm propped up in the recliner, most of the time eating.

It sits under my coffee table.  Look at her just laughing at me and mocking me.

One more...oh how I love my backyard in the fall...

Have a good Wednesday everyone!!

P.S. If you are curious, I don't buy alot of magazines.  I got the magazines I posted for free by filling out some online surveys I found through Hip2Save.com.