Aftermath...

What has been happening since our adoption was closed?  I thought I was handling it all pretty well.  Thought, being the key word there.  I was calm and didn't have any breakdowns.  Why should I?  I told myself that deep down I knew this was coming and I had been prepared.  I try to believe I can handle all this stuff but then a blow up always happens and I wonder why am I so upset.

Let me elaborate....

We had been dragging our feet on updating our home study.  We felt like Rwanda wasn't going to work out for us and we didn't want to pay for updating it and then have the adoption close.  We finally finished our part and mailed in our paperwork a few weeks ago.  I wasn't terribly concerned about the agency getting to work on it right away.  I did, however, want them to acknowledge that they received my paperwork.  I, purposefully, left out any payment because: 1. I didn't know how much to pay and 2. I knew they would want payment and that would ensure me a call when my paperwork arrived.  I was wrong.  I know the world doesn't revolve around me but I don't think a simple "we got your paperwork" call is too much to ask.

Next, I have been looking and researching new programs for us to start.  I called on agency and the lady I needed to talk to was busy.  I left my name and number for her to call me back and said, "yes, please e-mail me your info packet".  No call back from here either.

Thirdly, I e-mailed a lawyer.  My sister had gotten his card and he handles a lot of domestic adoptions.  No response here either.

This probably seems like small stuff but in the last few weeks the thoughts in my head have been crazy.  Sorting through the fact that we are done in Rwanda and we have to start over, where is my home study paperwork and why on earth didn't they call me, was I supposed to call the agency back after I read the info packet and are they waiting on me, should I call the lawyer and can you just call lawyers or do I have to have an appointment and will this appointment cost me money.  Round and round in my head.  Is anyone else like this or am I just crazy?

So the breaking point?  It was like a feather dropped on this pile and that was all that was needed.  This is going to sound silly but bear with me.  I read the Hunger Games series.  I really liked them.  I had really been looking forward to seeing the movie.  A nice relaxing afternoon with a friend.  Just what I need right?  We got a really good seat.  Toward the back and in the middle, woot!  Once the movie started the couple behind me starts talking, chomping their popcorn, slurping their drink, and kicking my chair constantly.  With each kick, noise, and comment, I wound tighter and tighter.  I tried shushing them loudly twice but finally after half the movie was over, we couldn't take it anymore and moved.  We heard them talking a couple of times after we were half the theatre away but it did get better.  I was wound so tight when I left there it took me the entire 40 minutes of driving home to loosen up just a little.  I told my husband about it when I got home which got me all wound up again.

I kept telling him, "all I wanted was one afternoon to watch a movie I was really excited about."  I kept wondering, "why is that too much to ask?"  I told you this would sound silly. 

Here's the thing, I have realized this is a deeper issue than the movie.  When I let myself be totally honest I wonder why God would take away this adoption.  Why God wouldn't let me have control over anything?  I find myself kicking and screaming on the floor like a 3 year old in a tantrum (not literally).  Screaming, "what I want is good, why can't I have it?  Just this one thing, let me have it!  Fine, then can I just have this little thing?  Why is this too much to ask?"  When I'm done and He hasn't answered me, I look around and God is standing there waiting.  He is just letting me throw my tantrum, get it out of my system.  He is just waiting to say, "Now, do you want me to show you what I have for you?"

Honestly, I haven't gotten the tantrum out of my system yet but it is calming down.

So here it is....

So here it is....the blog post I never wanted to post after the facebook status I never wanted to post.

As most of you know by now, our adoption in Rwanda has been closed.  Why?  Hmm, that is an interesting question.  Depending on my mood, I could give many different answers.  Answers like "they are going Hague and can't process us right now" or "well, they sent us a 6 month regret letter and our 6 months are up" seem so hollow and don't seem to really encompass the truth.  We don't even really know the whole truth in this.  Bottom line...its over. 

How do we feel?  That depends on what hour of the day you catch me.  Angry!  Angry at Rwanda because I never feel like we got the truth from them.  Angry that I tried to be sensitive to the fact that things run differently in their country but that I don't feel I got the same consideration from them.  Angry that when all is said and done there will be lots of children that will never see the family that has loved them and waited for them for so long.  Angry because there is nothing I can do about it.

Sad!  We are mourning the loss of the daughter we never got to see.  Sad because we thought we were starting our family but now that family, even though it only lived in our minds, is gone.  Sad that one little girl, our little girl, will never see the room we made just for her.  The room that I hoped would make her feel like a princess.  Sad that I can move on and start another adoption but those children are still there and may never find their forever family.

Relieved!  Our life has been on hold ever since we started this process over 2 years ago.  It is a relief not to be stuck in that black hole anymore.  With no movement and no reliable information, we felt as if we were in a black hole being sucked down into nothingness.  Now, we can move forward to something else.  Relief that we can plan what we want to do this year and not be at Rwanda's mercy.

Overwhelmed!  Two years of our life has been focused on what we thought was the right plan for our family.  Now, we start again.  More research, more praying, more paperwork and more waiting.

God is good to us.  Even if He never gives us children, He is still good to us.  We keep trying to remind ourselves of this.  I know He wants the best for me and apparently Rwanda was not the best for me/us.  We will trust Him.  We will follow Him whereever that may take us. 

Does this mean we won't slide back in to our selfish ways of feeling sorry for ourselves?  No, we are human after all.  That is why we need your prayers so that through it all we will feel God's peace and love for us.  Thank you so much for your prayers and for the outpouring of support and kinds words.  You will never know how much they mean to us.

Anyone else hear the echo?

It has been quiet on the adoption front.  No new news.  Our expiration date has come and gone.  Our dossier is still open, but with the way this adoption has been going,  that could change at any time.

For the longest time my mind was consumed with this adoption, I couldn't think of anything else.  I almost backed out of going to the January Created for Care retreat.  I didn't think putting myself in a hotel all weekend with tons of mothers who had already brought their children home and going to breakout sessions about parenting would be the best place for me.  The week or two before the retreat my church started a new bible study.  Well, it is an old bible study but new to me.  We started Experiencing God.  I was determined to focus on this study and God more than this adoption.  This was my prayer.  I knew I could no longer let this consume me.  God heard me and showed Himself to me in a way that I'm still really in awe of Him.  I was able to focus on my study and I didn't look at everything through the lens of this adoption.  I was able to look at my relationship with God.  It wasn't pretty.  My relationship had turned into something that was based on me constantly complaining and asking God to fix, speed up, or whatever He could to this adoption.

I went to the Created for Care and during the worship sessions and God showed Himself again and it was no longer about adoption it was about me and God.  I just worshiped and found more peace.  So many people that I only know through the blog world or from last year's retreat came up and asked how it was going and told me they had been thinking of me and praying for me.  You guys don't know how much that meant to me.  It was such an encouragement.

Our expiration date came and went.  I knew I was going to freak out.  I had thought about how the day would go.  When it arrived, I knew what day it was all day but I did not freak out.  I didn't not get depressed.  I went on with my day.  That could only be peace from God because, if you know me, you know I freak out all the time.

I feel like over the last few weeks, I have come to this place of rest.  I like it!  It is peaceful and quiet and it could not have come at a better time.  I'm sure there is a long wait ahead.

Hello New Year!

This is the year!  This is the year that I finally become a mom!  Not a waiting mom, not an expecting mom, but a REAL mom with a child!  Surely...hopefully...maybe.  If the paperwork is like making the baby and the wait is like carrying the baby, then I am 6 1/2 months overdue.  I tell Paul sometimes, "I don't know how much longer I can wait."  His response is reasonable, "what else are you going to do?"  The other day I brought up these conversations and told him "I think I'm really just going to explode.  I mean really.  You are going to come home one day and I'm not going to be there because I exploded."

I hate to even make a prediction that we will bring her home this year.  Every time we have said when we thought it might work out, we were so very wrong.  I'm starting to feel like its a lot like Jesus' Second Coming.  No one knows the day or time just the Father and He will come like a thief in the night.  So, you know he isn't going to tell some crackpot in a foil hat the day.  I don't think He told some indians in Mexico, either.  I feel like our adoption is the same way.  He knows what He is doing and the more I try to predict it, I'll just keep being wrong.  But, surely...hopefully...maybe...this year.

I don't know how to explain the longing.  It does threaten to tear me apart all the time.  I have decided though that this since it is a new year and I can't imagine making it to the end of this year without Clarissa, that I am going to channel this longing into something else.

What else?  Well, the nursery has become a storage room again.  I have to get that cleaned out.  There are several rooms in my house that need a new coat of paint.  I can't paint with a baby so I need to get that done before she gets here.  I have all kinds of plans for this new year!!  The hard part is the follow through. 

We had a wonderful Christmas!!  We spent time with family, ate too much, and got some great gifts.  Now I'm looking forward to January where I'll be taking a weekend to go out of town with my mom and sister.  This is a Christmas tradition for us.  We get money for Christmas and then take a weekend-long shopping trip.  It is always so much fun.  A couple of weeks after that I'll be headed to the Created For Care retreat.  I'm also very excited about that. 

I hope everyone of you had a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!!  I look forward to sharing some good news this coming year.

More work to do...

This last month was so busy with Christmas play practice.  It went great, by the way.  We did "Best Christmas Pageant Ever".  I played Imogene Herdman and Paul was Ralph Herdman.  It was a lot of fun!  Thanksgiving came and went.  We ate too much turkey (even the dog ate too much).  Now to plan for Christmas and to eventually get the tree up.

This was after Thanksgiving dinner...

AGCI called us today.  Good news:  We get to do more paperwork! YAY! (Boo!)  We have to update our criminal checks, fingerprints, and homestudy.  Doesn't it sound like fun?  What's going on in Rwanda, you ask?  Well they are still placing children and children are still coming in to the Home of Hope.  You know how when your sink leaks and you keep messing with the faucet to make it stop?  And how when you think the dripping has stopped but you see one drip forming?   You keep watching that one drop and it keeps getting bigger and bigger til it finally drops.  So, you know your sink is still leaking but it feels like forever between drops.  That is apparently how fast they are placing children. (At least, that is the way it feels to me)  Anyway, the 6 month regret letters that everyone received with their approval (your file is closed if you aren't matched in 6 months), doesn't seem to be a threat anymore.  I'm really not worried about it too much but it was something the government put in writing so they can enforce it at any time.

So, more waiting and more paperwork.  Good times, good times.  Please keep praying for us.  The wait is very hard!

The plan is too put the Christmas tree up tonight.  I'll try to post some pictures of it soon.

We partied hard!!

Last night was my shoe cutting party benefiting Sole Hope  (www.solehope.org).  We had a lot of fun!  What's a shoe cutting party, you ask?  Well, you can read my first post about it here or I'll summarize it for you. 

What we did was take patterns for two different sizes of shoe and cut out those patterns.  Those patterns along with $10 will be sent via Sole Hope to Uganda and Zambia where widows and widowers will receive a fair wage to make the shoes.  Sole Hope will then distribute the shoes to needy children.  I encourage you to go check out their website and their online store, if you want to know more or help out.

Last night we ate lots of food, watched the video about what we are doing and why, and then we got down to business.  Here is a few pictures of our fun!!

Tracing the patterns onto the material....

More tracing....

Cutting, cutting, and more cutting....

It was supposed to be a girl's night but when we saw how much cutting there was left, we roped my hubby into cutting....

We traced and cut for about 4 hours last night and left the last little bit for this morning.  We got the whole family involved in organizing the bags....

And the finished product....

Feet that might have looked like this....

....will have shoes!!

PLEASE consider having your own shoe cutting party!!

Have a good weekend!!!  :)

One project done...

I have so many projects around the house that I want to get done.  I finally got one of them done today.  You may not be able to see much of a difference but I can and I'm very proud of myself.  What project is it?  Well, I finally tackled the cord mess behind our TV.  We had a working XBox, a broken XBox, a Playstation we don't use anymore, and tons of cords not connected to anything.  After almost 10 years, cords can get a little messy.  I got it more organized and got all the cords back in the right place.  All by myself!!

Behind the TV: Before

Behind the TV: After

The side of the TV: Before

The side of the TV: After

Then when all was said and done, I let my Roomba clean up the mess.  :)