Thursday, February 16, 2012

Anyone else hear the echo?

It has been quiet on the adoption front.  No new news.  Our expiration date has come and gone.  Our dossier is still open, but with the way this adoption has been going,  that could change at any time.

For the longest time my mind was consumed with this adoption, I couldn't think of anything else.  I almost backed out of going to the January Created for Care retreat.  I didn't think putting myself in a hotel all weekend with tons of mothers who had already brought their children home and going to breakout sessions about parenting would be the best place for me.  The week or two before the retreat my church started a new bible study.  Well, it is an old bible study but new to me.  We started Experiencing God.  I was determined to focus on this study and God more than this adoption.  This was my prayer.  I knew I could no longer let this consume me.  God heard me and showed Himself to me in a way that I'm still really in awe of Him.  I was able to focus on my study and I didn't look at everything through the lens of this adoption.  I was able to look at my relationship with God.  It wasn't pretty.  My relationship had turned into something that was based on me constantly complaining and asking God to fix, speed up, or whatever He could to this adoption.

I went to the Created for Care and during the worship sessions and God showed Himself again and it was no longer about adoption it was about me and God.  I just worshiped and found more peace.  So many people that I only know through the blog world or from last year's retreat came up and asked how it was going and told me they had been thinking of me and praying for me.  You guys don't know how much that meant to me.  It was such an encouragement.

Our expiration date came and went.  I knew I was going to freak out.  I had thought about how the day would go.  When it arrived, I knew what day it was all day but I did not freak out.  I didn't not get depressed.  I went on with my day.  That could only be peace from God because, if you know me, you know I freak out all the time.

I feel like over the last few weeks, I have come to this place of rest.  I like it!  It is peaceful and quiet and it could not have come at a better time.  I'm sure there is a long wait ahead.