Thursday, July 28, 2011

Good Things

It looks as if everything just fell apart and there was no good anywhere but that is not true.  When we first found out that our adoption is on "life support", the underlying tension in our household grew tremendously.  There were multiple causes to the tension.  This long wait (that we never thought we would have), the fact that Paul felt stuck in his job and didn't really want to do it anymore (that had been growing for a while), and the fact that we couldn't just get away from it all.

Finally, God opened a door and Paul applied for a new position at work.  He got the new job and I can't tell you what that meant for us.  It was a breath of fresh air for Paul.  His steps have been lighter ever since.  Today, I ask myself, did God give him this job because He knew what was coming?  Was this just a little bit of grace so that the thought of our adoption being over and starting again wouldn't crush us?  I am grateful for it either way.

The wait and the fact that we can't get away due to saving all our money for the adoption still hasn't changed.  There is really nothing we can do about that.

Another good thing that came out of this moment is that we had some really good friends step up and support us.  I also know that people in our church were really praying for us.  I know we couldn't have gotten through this without them.  Thanks!!

We still haven't made a decision on what we are going to do.  We have asked God to place His desires in our heart and we want to do what He wants us to do.  Paul says that he has the desire to change countries and that even with all his praying that desire hasn't waivered so that is where he thinks God is pointing us.  I felt the desire to change countries at the beginning but now, to be perfectly honest, I'm just numb.  I keep looking for signs to stay with Rwanda, all the while thinking about what we need to do to start our new dossier.  I have even rearranged the house (in my head, of course) so that we would be able to take 2 children instead of one.

We are going to make our mind up in 3 days, the end of the month.  Then we will just jump in with both feet.  Fully committed to waiting or starting all over again.

Please, please, please continue to pray for us!!  We need all the help we can get.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Rest of the Story

And now...the rest of the story.

We have been waiting for 10 months now. Our 10 month anniversary was yesterday, in fact. All this time we have been hearing rumors. Rumors about how fast the Rwandan government is moving, when they will be done, amount of travel time changing, etc. There was one rumor that really caught our attention. The orphanage is running out of children. This should be good news to my ears. Really, I wish there were no more orphans anywhere but, in a country where there are reportedly almost 1 million orphans, how can they run out before they get to #136!! We had heard that one family had received a regret letter. This letter told the family that the orphanage had no children to meet their request and the government would hold their dossier for 6 months and if no child was found, close their case.

I called our agency to find out if this was true. This had me worried. They looked into the problem but it wasn't something on which they could get back to me quickly. This fear has loomed over our head for months now. It's like living everyday life waiting for the doctor to call and say you've miscarried. Stress grew! About a month ago, we got a call. We were told that several families from our agency would receive this regret letter but so far we were not one of the families. Was this because we weren't getting one? Was this because the government hadn't reviewed our dossier yet? No one was sure.

Now we are sure. At least as sure as we can be. You see, nothing has ever been sure throughout this whole wait. As of right now, the Rwandan government will be issuing regret letters to everyone that has not already received approval. That includes us. They will not be allowing families to adjust the age range in hopes of matching to another waiting child. The government does not have the resources and manpower to bring the other orphanages up to standard.

In short (short ha ha), where does this leave us? With a BIG decision to make. Do we stay with Rwanda and wait out the next 7 or 8 months (we haven't received our 6 month regret letter yet) and see if a child becomes available? Do we switch countries and start all over again? If only God had given us a road map!

This looks bleak. I have cried many tears over it but God has done some wonderful things for us. I will make a post just for the good things in a couple of days. Please pray for us. Please pray that we will know what God wants us to do.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Its been a long time...

It has been so long since my last post. Here's the update. WE ARE WAITING! There is actually more of an update but I don't want this post to be too long so I'm going to be posting multiple posts in the next few days. But, right now, let's talk about the waiting.

We have waited 9 months and 4 weeks. That is just since our dossier made it to Rwanda. We started back in February 2010 so that makes it 17 months of waiting. We decided to adopt 20 months ago. We tried for our own children for an additional 3 years. Grand total of desperately wanting a family...approximately 4 years and 8 months!!

When we decided to adopt we knew we would have to make some sacrifices. You know save up money and not spend like we used to. No vacations. That is a tough one for us. We are vacation people. It is really hard for us to drop the stress of everyday life if we can't get away. We haven't had a vacation in almost 2 years. Yeah, we have went away for a Friday/long weekend thing but only 2. Two in two years!! Let me just say the stress is piling up.

We have started fighting more and more over little stuff. A few weeks ago we fought over how to tie up my cucumber plant for over an hour. Once the dust settles we realize that it is just our frustration with this situation and not over the cucumber plant.

I want to start this part by saying I am not complaining that I am a housewife. About 3 years ago, I quit my job to relieve some stress and hopefully that would help us get pregnant. I planned on being pregnant within 6 months of being home. Now 3 years later, still no kids, I will admit it is hard getting out of bed some days. My mind says, "what does it matter if you get out of bed. No one else is here. No one else cares. There is no one to take care of and no need to get ready to take care of anyone because who knows if you ever will." It is not easy waiting and being at home alone most days.

Now, I know we signed up for this wait when we started to adopt. True! We didn't sign up to be left in the dark though. There is very little to no information coming out of Rwanda. Rumors abound and you never know what is true or not. One day we are being told to expect approval by the end of whatever month we are in and then it could be 2 months before anything happens. I don't believe and can't believe that this is the normal adoption process. Other governments go in order and even if it is a long wait, you know where you are in line. They will get to you eventually.

So that is where we are. Waiting for something. We are trying our best to cling to God but there are days when I shake my fist at Him. Home life is stressed to the max! So, that's where I'm ending the first part of this multi-part post. There is much more coming, but I wanted to catch you up with the backstory for what is to come.