Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

And I stood there wondering where I put my map.

When you are young you dream of what you will do when you grow up. I'll be an astronaut, a doctor, or movie star. I'll meet Prince Charming and he'll sweep me off my feet. We'll have children and live happily ever after as a family. This is the map I am following. Reality does intrude and some detours are taken but all in all I am still following the same road. I found my Prince Charming. Now I just need the children. OK let's look at the map. Prince here...follow the line for the kids. Wait! What is this fork in the road? This was not planned.

Early in our marriage I was interested in adoption. I had looked into different agencies but I didn't look too hard. I was too young and we thought it was a good idea but after we had our own child. A few years later the desire to adopt resurfaced but again we pushed it aside and told ourselves we would after we had our own. As you know from this blog, we tried and tried.

When I stopped to think about what was going on in our lives, I would have multiple reactions. I was confused and angry at God for letting this happen to us. As I calmed down, I began to think there is a reason He is allowing this to happen to us. Why give us the desire for children and then tell us no. We found this verse..."Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain." Psalms 127:1(NIV) We were trying to build our own house and not asking God what we should do. We have prayed and prayed and we feel like God is not telling us no for children just children in another way.

We are now entering the adoption world. We have just taken the first steps. We have talked to some agencies and trying to find the best program for us. We need prayers!! Lots of them! We are looking at the Taiwan programs from a couple of different agencies. We are trying to find what is best for us and what God wants us to do. Please pray that God will give us a definite answer. That He will close the door to the program we shouldn't be in. Close it where there is absolutely no doubt.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I stood there wondering where I put my map. I looked around and found that God had the map the whole time.

Monday, September 14, 2009

How we got on this road....

So, we have been on this road for quite a while but we haven't let many people join us on this trip. I'm sure that everyone will understand that there are some trips you must take alone and there are some trips that we think we must take alone. For quite a while we have tried to travel alone. It is hard, lonely, and not necessary if you have good friends. I also think that if people are more open with certain things it could help someone else have an easier journey. What is this journey that you are talking about, you might ask? Good is our story.

After lots of praying and talking we finally decided to have children. This was exciting. Around 2004 I had stopped birth control of any kind. We were not going to prevent it. We were just going to live our lives and be happy if children came our way. We took some trips that we loved and tried to do lots of things we knew we couldn't do with a baby. We believed that a baby was right around the corner. This, however, was not the case. By 2006 we started to actually focus on babies. This meaning taking temps, counting days, and such. This didn't seem to work either. About mid 2007 we went to see a doctor. After a few tests, we were told that a baby was not in our future unless we had IVF. After that sentence I can't tell you what was said. The doctor could have just punched me in the stomach and I would have felt the same. How could this be?!?! We chose to ignore him. Good move, right? Ignore the doctor. We kept trying. At the beginning of June 2007 the impossible happened. I was pregnant!!! We gathered both sets of parents together for a big dinner to break the news. And what a better time to do it than Father's day? By Friday of the next week the baby was gone. This was heart shattering but we pushed on. We have spent hundreds of dollars on vitamins and devices to help pinpoint ovulation times. Even with all this we never had another positive test.

If you have kids you can understand our desire for children but you can't understand not being able to have children. Everywhere you go there are new babies, pregnant women, and people asking you when you are going to have children. Our life began to run on a 28 cycle. Or a 28 day mountain climb. You climb for 28 days because there is always the hope that this will be the one that works then when you aren't pregnant you are thrown off the mountain. Some months I would rather have had someone throw me off a mountain than to have to face one more month. There were months that I lived in denial. It didn't matter how clear the signs were that I wasn't pregnant, I would twist and turn this evidence in my head and tell myself that I could be wrong. I would just wait until the next month to be for sure. I think I started to lose my sanity and I was angry at God. Why would he do this to us? Why would he let us hurt so much? Some nights I would cry myself to sleep pleading with God. Other nights I would lay there with my hand on my stomach and try to imagine what it would feel like to be pregnant. What would a kick feel like? I started to pull away from everyone. I didn't want to go anywhere. I definitely tried my best not to be in groups of women. It was hard for me to look and babies and toddlers without hurting. I couldn't even hold my new nephew that was born in April. There were times when I asked Paul if he thought I should see a therapist or see a doctor for some pills to keep me sane. Dealing with infertility is tough and I don't think if I typed for a million pages I could make someone who hasn't experienced it understand. Sometimes I felt like I was living in a box. I only had one friend that I knew I could talk to. She had gone through the same thing but now she has children and I knew that her infertility memories were fading in the light of her children. And really who wants to hear someone complain every month. That is part of what this blog is about.

I hope that with this blog I can work through some of my demons. I also hope that by speaking openly about infertility I can help someone else with this journey. Not many people talk about it and there aren't any local support groups. I have also never been to a church were this topic was addressed. Infertility is not something you can spot on the outside. It is something can be hidden away until it tears you apart.

This road has been tough but I feel God working. I am excited about what He is doing. I feel him changing our outlook and attitude. I feel him bringing us some peace. I'm sure that he will be on this road with us.