Aftermath...

What has been happening since our adoption was closed?  I thought I was handling it all pretty well.  Thought, being the key word there.  I was calm and didn't have any breakdowns.  Why should I?  I told myself that deep down I knew this was coming and I had been prepared.  I try to believe I can handle all this stuff but then a blow up always happens and I wonder why am I so upset.

Let me elaborate....

We had been dragging our feet on updating our home study.  We felt like Rwanda wasn't going to work out for us and we didn't want to pay for updating it and then have the adoption close.  We finally finished our part and mailed in our paperwork a few weeks ago.  I wasn't terribly concerned about the agency getting to work on it right away.  I did, however, want them to acknowledge that they received my paperwork.  I, purposefully, left out any payment because: 1. I didn't know how much to pay and 2. I knew they would want payment and that would ensure me a call when my paperwork arrived.  I was wrong.  I know the world doesn't revolve around me but I don't think a simple "we got your paperwork" call is too much to ask.

Next, I have been looking and researching new programs for us to start.  I called on agency and the lady I needed to talk to was busy.  I left my name and number for her to call me back and said, "yes, please e-mail me your info packet".  No call back from here either.

Thirdly, I e-mailed a lawyer.  My sister had gotten his card and he handles a lot of domestic adoptions.  No response here either.

This probably seems like small stuff but in the last few weeks the thoughts in my head have been crazy.  Sorting through the fact that we are done in Rwanda and we have to start over, where is my home study paperwork and why on earth didn't they call me, was I supposed to call the agency back after I read the info packet and are they waiting on me, should I call the lawyer and can you just call lawyers or do I have to have an appointment and will this appointment cost me money.  Round and round in my head.  Is anyone else like this or am I just crazy?

So the breaking point?  It was like a feather dropped on this pile and that was all that was needed.  This is going to sound silly but bear with me.  I read the Hunger Games series.  I really liked them.  I had really been looking forward to seeing the movie.  A nice relaxing afternoon with a friend.  Just what I need right?  We got a really good seat.  Toward the back and in the middle, woot!  Once the movie started the couple behind me starts talking, chomping their popcorn, slurping their drink, and kicking my chair constantly.  With each kick, noise, and comment, I wound tighter and tighter.  I tried shushing them loudly twice but finally after half the movie was over, we couldn't take it anymore and moved.  We heard them talking a couple of times after we were half the theatre away but it did get better.  I was wound so tight when I left there it took me the entire 40 minutes of driving home to loosen up just a little.  I told my husband about it when I got home which got me all wound up again.

I kept telling him, "all I wanted was one afternoon to watch a movie I was really excited about."  I kept wondering, "why is that too much to ask?"  I told you this would sound silly. 

Here's the thing, I have realized this is a deeper issue than the movie.  When I let myself be totally honest I wonder why God would take away this adoption.  Why God wouldn't let me have control over anything?  I find myself kicking and screaming on the floor like a 3 year old in a tantrum (not literally).  Screaming, "what I want is good, why can't I have it?  Just this one thing, let me have it!  Fine, then can I just have this little thing?  Why is this too much to ask?"  When I'm done and He hasn't answered me, I look around and God is standing there waiting.  He is just letting me throw my tantrum, get it out of my system.  He is just waiting to say, "Now, do you want me to show you what I have for you?"

Honestly, I haven't gotten the tantrum out of my system yet but it is calming down.

So here it is....

So here it is....the blog post I never wanted to post after the facebook status I never wanted to post.

As most of you know by now, our adoption in Rwanda has been closed.  Why?  Hmm, that is an interesting question.  Depending on my mood, I could give many different answers.  Answers like "they are going Hague and can't process us right now" or "well, they sent us a 6 month regret letter and our 6 months are up" seem so hollow and don't seem to really encompass the truth.  We don't even really know the whole truth in this.  Bottom line...its over. 

How do we feel?  That depends on what hour of the day you catch me.  Angry!  Angry at Rwanda because I never feel like we got the truth from them.  Angry that I tried to be sensitive to the fact that things run differently in their country but that I don't feel I got the same consideration from them.  Angry that when all is said and done there will be lots of children that will never see the family that has loved them and waited for them for so long.  Angry because there is nothing I can do about it.

Sad!  We are mourning the loss of the daughter we never got to see.  Sad because we thought we were starting our family but now that family, even though it only lived in our minds, is gone.  Sad that one little girl, our little girl, will never see the room we made just for her.  The room that I hoped would make her feel like a princess.  Sad that I can move on and start another adoption but those children are still there and may never find their forever family.

Relieved!  Our life has been on hold ever since we started this process over 2 years ago.  It is a relief not to be stuck in that black hole anymore.  With no movement and no reliable information, we felt as if we were in a black hole being sucked down into nothingness.  Now, we can move forward to something else.  Relief that we can plan what we want to do this year and not be at Rwanda's mercy.

Overwhelmed!  Two years of our life has been focused on what we thought was the right plan for our family.  Now, we start again.  More research, more praying, more paperwork and more waiting.

God is good to us.  Even if He never gives us children, He is still good to us.  We keep trying to remind ourselves of this.  I know He wants the best for me and apparently Rwanda was not the best for me/us.  We will trust Him.  We will follow Him whereever that may take us. 

Does this mean we won't slide back in to our selfish ways of feeling sorry for ourselves?  No, we are human after all.  That is why we need your prayers so that through it all we will feel God's peace and love for us.  Thank you so much for your prayers and for the outpouring of support and kinds words.  You will never know how much they mean to us.