So here it is....

So here it is....the blog post I never wanted to post after the facebook status I never wanted to post.

As most of you know by now, our adoption in Rwanda has been closed.  Why?  Hmm, that is an interesting question.  Depending on my mood, I could give many different answers.  Answers like "they are going Hague and can't process us right now" or "well, they sent us a 6 month regret letter and our 6 months are up" seem so hollow and don't seem to really encompass the truth.  We don't even really know the whole truth in this.  Bottom line...its over. 

How do we feel?  That depends on what hour of the day you catch me.  Angry!  Angry at Rwanda because I never feel like we got the truth from them.  Angry that I tried to be sensitive to the fact that things run differently in their country but that I don't feel I got the same consideration from them.  Angry that when all is said and done there will be lots of children that will never see the family that has loved them and waited for them for so long.  Angry because there is nothing I can do about it.

Sad!  We are mourning the loss of the daughter we never got to see.  Sad because we thought we were starting our family but now that family, even though it only lived in our minds, is gone.  Sad that one little girl, our little girl, will never see the room we made just for her.  The room that I hoped would make her feel like a princess.  Sad that I can move on and start another adoption but those children are still there and may never find their forever family.

Relieved!  Our life has been on hold ever since we started this process over 2 years ago.  It is a relief not to be stuck in that black hole anymore.  With no movement and no reliable information, we felt as if we were in a black hole being sucked down into nothingness.  Now, we can move forward to something else.  Relief that we can plan what we want to do this year and not be at Rwanda's mercy.

Overwhelmed!  Two years of our life has been focused on what we thought was the right plan for our family.  Now, we start again.  More research, more praying, more paperwork and more waiting.

God is good to us.  Even if He never gives us children, He is still good to us.  We keep trying to remind ourselves of this.  I know He wants the best for me and apparently Rwanda was not the best for me/us.  We will trust Him.  We will follow Him whereever that may take us. 

Does this mean we won't slide back in to our selfish ways of feeling sorry for ourselves?  No, we are human after all.  That is why we need your prayers so that through it all we will feel God's peace and love for us.  Thank you so much for your prayers and for the outpouring of support and kinds words.  You will never know how much they mean to us.