Oh what a journey...

Here I am in Barbados, we finished up all of our appointments and now we are just waiting on her visa to be processed. I am in bed in the dark, listening to my husband's deep breaths of sleep and between us is our daughter, curled up on her side with legs crossed. I am trying not to move too much and trying to keep my hands off of her so that I don't wait her up. I should be sleeping too. I know she will wake in just a few short hours and be ready for a bottle. I just can't. Every night I lay here and thought just swirl through my head about this journey, how God brought us here, and why this way. I think about my friends who long for this moment and I hurt for them and I pray for them.

I feel like I have come a long way from that girl that said, "hey, do you think we are ready for kids?"  I don't know if anyone is ever ready. I think about how God has brought me such joy but then I think, what if this had not been the end result. What if children were not in the cards for me no matter what I did?

I read a blog a while back where a lady said she was grateful for her infertility. I read this AFTER we got our referral and I thought that lady is crazy. How can you be grateful for that?  It got me thinking. What has infertility done for me?  Could I be thankful?  Now, I can say, yes!  Because it pushed me towards adoption and now I have a precious baby next to me?  Partly, but not completely. Infertility has done so much for me!

Let's take Clarissa out of the picture. Before I knew we were really facing infertility issues, I had opinions...opinions on everything. It was very hard for me to consider a different perspective. One could chalk that up to being almost 10 years younger than I am now but infertility made me face the fact that life doesn't always take the path we want to take or had pictured taking. That will quickly make you reevaluate your opinions. I observed some people around me who where having difficulties and I just could understand why they weren't doing certain things, reacting certain ways, and why it was so stressful. Now, I realize that so so so many issues in life can not be comprehended if you have not walked in this shoes. Divorce, loss of a family member, abuse, etc. Because of infertility, I have learned that if I haven't experienced it, maybe I should keep my mouth shut. It is a skill I have master but I try my best to be more aware. Sometimes, we shouldn't speak.  We should just be there. And PRAY!

I was lazy in my walk with God. Lazy!  We weren't in church, I wasn't praying, and it didn't bother me. Infertility forced me to come face to face with my helplessness and God's strength. I am happy to say that we have been back in church for years now and we are actively seeking His will for our life and praying about new endeavors in our near future.

We did not know about or actively look at the condition of orphans or the world around us before infertility. Our eyes have been opened and we give and volunteer more to help others.

I was a person who did not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I avoided getting close or really even paying attention to stories that my pull my heart strings. I know that sounds bad but the truth is I was spoiled. God had always blessed me with everything I felt I needed. I didn't understand loss, hurt, deep sadness, or loss of anything that I held dear. Oh boy, that changed. Infertility is not the loss of a parent but I know now what it feels like to have that gaping hole and to wonder why God would do this. This has probably rocked my world more than anything. I am still slow to hug or show my emotions but my heart breaks now. It breaks all the time as I look around at what my friends and people in the world around me are going through. And I PRAY!

Infertility has brought me friends. People I never thought I would be friends are now close friends. This and my Mary Kay business go hand in hand. I never would have had my first facial if I had not reached out to a girl in my church. I read her blog, found out she was going through infertility issues, and asked her to lunch. This lead to friends, so many friends. Plus, I now have a way to meet new women and hopefully touch their lives. I am so grateful for this and ALL of the women I have met through this.

I feel like because of infertility, I am a new woman. A more compassionate woman. A more open woman. I like this new woman!  Is this the path I would have chosen to take for all this growth, no! Absolutely not!  Did I know best?  No!  Absolutely not!  God is so much wiser than me. He knew what kind of fire it would take to mold me. I am still being molded. I still can't understand why God chose to take us in some directions but after all of this, blessing me with everything I mentioned above, I trust Him more than ever before. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days but it does mean when I come to my senses, I am content, satisfied, happy, blessed!

It has been a journey of baby steps. Sometimes, I wish I had stopped to enjoy it more or had a little more faith, but I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't give up a single experience, even curling up crying on the couch for three days. It made me, my marriage, and my faith stronger.

Please remember...God is good, He loves you, and He knows how to give good gifts to His children.